I’ll never forget the moment I knew I was pregnant. My body was showing all the signs before I even bought a pregnancy test. I wasn’t planning on having a baby, but I was so thrilled when I found out I was expecting. God chose ME to be a mother, I thought, and I felt honored to be carrying my son. The weeks and months to follow were so blissful. I had a healthy, complication-free pregnancy. Even my 39 week check up went well. Then two days later, I found out that my son’s heart stopped beating. I felt helpless because I couldn’t save him. I felt disappointed because I had one job – protect my son during my pregnancy. Most of all, I felt rejected by God. Trusting God after pregnancy loss isn’t easy.
After my son died, I was so angry with God. Did he change his mind about me being a good mom? Why did this happen to me? What do I do now, without my son here? How am I supposed to trust God after he let this devastation happen to me?
Why was trusting God after pregnancy loss so hard?
Some Christians seem like they have unwavering faith. No matter the obstacle, they put all their trust in God to see them through. They live their lives like the gospel songs I sing and listen to. I thought I was one of those Christians too, but trusting God after pregnancy loss really tested me.
Rejection became a trigger of my grief. I convinced myself that since God rejected me from being a mom, I couldn’t appreciate anything good that happened to me because I was afraid of it being taken away. Any other form of rejection brought me back to the grief of losing my son. I used to guard myself from potential rejection just to protect myself from heartbreak. I skipped out on applying for jobs. When I was applying for schools for my doctoral program, I stopped trying after receiving one rejection letter. I still haven’t gone back. #WorkInProgress
In my journey to reconnect with God and trust him again, I started having devotion again and I put reading my Bible back into my daily routine. I found comfort in some of God’s promises that I list below.
Getting Back Into God’s Word
When I started getting back in God’s word, I found some scriptures that talked about trusting God, especially when it wasn’t easy. I often turn to these five scriptures to remind me that God loved me throughout my entire life, and He still loves me today. Losing my son was not a punishment. Losing a baby is not a consequence of our sins or our disobedience. The sooner I realized that God’s goodness is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, the sooner I could allow myself to trust Him again.
Philippians 4:6-8 (NKJV)
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
In this passage, Paul declares that self-discipline is the path to peace and fulfillment. He instructs us to guard our attitude and replace worry with prayer and submerge in positive thoughts. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be sad or grieve, but it does mean that you can make a conscious effort to choose happiness as much as you can, and give thanks for the goodness in your life. Now I’ll be the first to admit, this didn’t come easy after Joshua died. It took a couple years for me to deliberately choose happiness over sorrow.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
My dad used to say this scripture all the time when I was younger, especially when I was stressed out with school. This advice still holds true because I have to release my own self-deteriorating thoughts of God rejecting me and trust that he will direct my heart toward healing.
Hebrews 4:16 (NKJV)
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
The fourth chapter in Hebrews is God’s promise of rest because He will serve us with His salvation. I can have confidence in my prayers, not because of who I am, but because of who God is and what He has already done for me. I had to kneel before the throne of grace so that I could remember everything He has done, and trust Him to continue covering me. That couldn’t be done if I was using my energy to blame Him for my loss instead of resting and waiting patiently for God’s help.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
God assured the people of Israel of his plans to prosper them and give them a hopeful future, even in their darkest hour. When I think of the many other times that I have looked to God for hope in the past, he fulfilled that promise every single time. This scripture reminded me that if He did it before, He will do it again. His promise of prosperity WILL hold true. It may not happen immediately, but it will happen ultimately.
Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
This is one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible because my son’s name is Joshua and he was born sleeping on June 19th. In the Bible, Joshua was a soldier, leading the Israelites to the Promised Land. This scripture is another reminder of God’s promise, telling us that although we will face hardships and challenges, He will be with us through it all. God wants us to be strong and live courageously, then trust that He will be with us wherever we go. Even though I lost my son, I did not lose God’s protection over my life.
I think back to being in the delivery room when my blood pressure dropped so low that I was losing consciousness. It took two doctors and three residents to deliver my son and save my life too. Even in that moment – the hardest moment of my life, physically and emotionally, God was still with me.
I may never know why God called my son home before he was born. I can accept that now.
What I do know is that God didn’t “change his mind” about me being a mom. I didn’t do anything to lose Joshua. This wasn’t God’s rejection, this was a redirection. God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. As grieving moms, our pain can feel unbearable at times. Those are the times when we have to hold onto God’s Word and remember that He will comfort us when we ask Him to.
For me, my journey to trusting God after pregnancy loss wasn’t easy by any means. I had to think back to all those times God protected me, even when I didn’t deserve it. Although I used to question whether or not I could heal from this grief and pain, I should have believed that He would allow me to rest in His arms, just like every single time before.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.Psalm 23:6
When I was a child, I used to say the 23rd Psalm every morning before school. I didn’t understand how important that chapter was until I was an adult. As it relates to trusting God, well, we know that it isn’t easy. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible.
Have you gotten a copy of my new book, Heartache, Healing, & Hope? Inside, I take a deeper dive into Grief vs. Religion and how I re-established my relationship with God during my healing journey. It’s available now on Amazon, in paperback and Kindle.
Hey, friends! If you like this post, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy these too:
10 Comforting Bible Verses for Grieving Moms
20 Books for Grieving Moms: The 2020 Book List
What Losing My Son Taught Me About Grief, Depression, & Therapy
My Spouse Doesn’t Grieve Like Me
Asking for Strength